To the ex who’s stalking my blogs!

Well it’s been some time since I last posted so thought i’d update you guys on what’s the latest with me!

I can say I’ve had some fun and funny few weeks! I became a Master’s Graduate! I’ve screamed my heart out at Thorpe Park and Alton Towers! I travelled to Southport, Liverpool, Manchester and London! I have literally had the time of my life dancing and singing on the motorway!

To my ex, you think i’m here double dating? Good. You think i’m enjoying my time to the max? Good. You think my family is supporting your decision to divorce me? Good. I couldn’t care less.

The fact you have to stalk my page like a coward just speaks volumes. I mean I thought you wanted nothing to do with me? You was so quick to utter the words “divorce” when I caught you on Tinder and on TikTok chatting to other women. Please. My life has nothing to do with you anymore. Be a man.

Eventhough a narcissist like you deserves all the hate, I forgive you. I actually feel sorry for you because you can’t take accountability for your own actions. It’s sad. You have to lie your way through life for others to feel sorry for you and that’s just sad. You have to put that fake smile on your face, dance and flirt with other women but really and truely you’re miserable. You lost the best thing that ever happened to you and you’ll disagree with me right now but God works in mysterious ways.

I remember a time you said “Karma loves me” “When I fuck up, karma bites me in the ass” “If I ever hurt you what will I say to God?” “I’ve been to Islamic gatherings with my brother in law so I know not to hurt anyone’s daughter” well guess what sweetie, Karma works in ways no man can be ready for. I don’t wish bad on you, I want you to be happy with the miserable life you’ve created for yourself. Keep listening to songs and smoking that weed. Money can buy you happiness but not a clean soul and conscious.

But it’s all good though, I prefer to be the villain in our story. I was always the villain. If that’s what makes you happy and suits your stories then I accept.

P.S … I never claimed to be religious, but if I had to choose culture or Islam, I would choose Islam any day because it teaches me to have respect and morals, something you lacked. You disrespected me so much in our first 6 months of marriage, messed with my head and self-confidence because you weren’t happy with my body or my rights as a woman. You then expected me to be this person who still kissed your feet and respected you? Nah.

You fucked up your own marriage. YES YOU & I can’t blame anyone but YOU for doing that. You weren’t ready to be a husband or a man and I blame that on your parents. If only your parents taught you how to treat women, but unfortunately they didn’t. Women in your family apparently don’t deserve the respect.

Anyways, good luck to you and your pal who’s so interested in my life because you both need it.

Written by Larayb aka Layla ✌🏼

Being a Pakistani Divorcee in 2021

I just want to say that not all Pakistani women and families experience whatever I have. Sometimes the stigma behind the south asian culture can cause a rift of what is and isn’t so it’s important to say that my experience is entirely my own. If you relate in any way just know you are not alone and I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

I don’t know about anyone else or if you’re able to relate, but don’t you feel like you’ve had enough of being silent & hearing others bullshit about your marriage? The marriage you tried so hard to save and make work? The marriage they so happen to have the most opinions about?

If you happen to be south asian like me then this might be a hi5 moment as I discuss my experience as a Pakistani divorcee in 2021.

My Parents

Where do I begin? I remember being told at the age of 12 years old by my mother that I needed to learn how to kneed the dough, cook curries and clean my house to please my husband and just in case I lived with my in-laws.

My mother had the privilege of being born in the UK. However, my father was born in Bahrain and raised in Pakistan. So, he was called to the UK, 3 years after being married to my mother. In this case, my mother didn’t live with in-laws, however my father was very cultural and opposed certain laws onto my mother such as not going out on her own, covering her face if she ever visited a certain part of Birmingham and being a housewife. But, soon as we grew up and my father got with the times and watched the generation change where women became more independent and were out there working hard and striving to meet their goals, my father changed.

When it came to my divorce, after me constantly trying to make my marriage work and my father watching me day and night, watching me cry and not eat, he would speak words of comfort to me. Now, not every south asian man or woman gets this treatment and till this day we are hearing and seeing people commit suicide or suffering at the hands of their husbands/wives/in-laws. But, not my parents.

All praises to God, my parents are so supportive.

The following words of comfort and encouragement are some of the things my parents said to me when I was broken and ashamed of whatever was happening:

God wanted you to be happy and that’s why he removed the one thing that wasn’t making you happy.”

Aslong as we are alive, no one can say anything to you or question you about whatever happened.

Live your life and if you want to work and travel the world go for it.”

A good man will enter your life and will support you and love you for the good woman you are.”

My Friends

My friends have been so supportive and kind. Not out of sympathy but because they’ve known me for years on end and know that I would have gone lengths to fix my marriage. ‘Fix’ was not the problem in my marriage, he is a narcissist that couldn’t get fixed.

My friends have encouraged me to start building back my confidence through skin care, getting dressed, putting on some makeup and double dates! And let me tell you, most guys don’t care if you’re a divorcee. I’ve been told my past is the past and they only care about the person I am today. It was an experience that has made me a stronger person.

Driving around the countryside, going to different cities, parks, restaurants and spending quality time with family and friends really is helping me with my mental health and well-being.

Choosing Yourself

It’s really sad that in today’s society women are being forced to stay with abusive partners and to ‘accept’ their fate because ‘daughter-in-laws’ are to take care of everyone and not have a life of their own.

I was always told from my ex that no one would look at me the same after knowing I’m a divorcee because I’m a woman. But, ever since i’ve been back and met new people, being a divorcee doesn’t affect most men’s opinions of you. This really helped my confidence.

I had to choose myself for the sake of my own mental health, to feel secure in my own skin, to be independent and have the choice of having my own bank account (I know, crazy right?) and to be loved unconditionally.

Being a Pakistani divorcee in 2021 has really shown me a different perspective of what other men actually think of you and how the community sees you and to be fair it ain’t all bad. You just have to remind yourself that you’re a bad ass bitch regardless and no one can judge you with this ‘label’ of being a divorcee.

Written by Layla

What I wish I’d known before marrying in my 20s

Hindsight is 20/20 and after my divorce there are a list of things I wish I’d known before marrying in my 20s. With each new generation, there are less and less of us walking down the aisle and saying I do. It’s common to meet people in their 30s and 40s who have no desire to marry or have children, preferring to focus on their careers, travelling and reach their personal goals – something that amongst our grandparents generation was unthinkable.

I however, am not one of those people. At the grand old age of 25, I had a humble court marriage to the man I met at just 19 years old. My first love and my first committed, adult relationship. I moved my life across to the USA to be with him and thought I was just one of the lucky ones who met my life partner while I was young. Ultimately our marriage did not work out and here I am at 30, divorced and childless, with lots of advice for anyone who cares to listen.

adult bride celebration ceremony
Marriage doesn’t always mean forever

What I wish I’d known

So here are some things I wish I’d known before getting married in my 20s

You’ll change a lot

At 25, I felt like I was the fully formed version of myself. An adult, who paid my own bills, held down a job, cooked, cleaned and all of the boring stuff. I had even lived abroad and survived. So why couldn’t I be a wife? I was responsible and educated and we loved each other. What could possibly go wrong? Well… I changed. And so did he. We grew up, we realised our priorities were different, our interests changed. Life gave us many challenges that skewed our perspective… And it changed us. And that’s ok. But if we had taken into account how much we would develop in just 5 years, maybe we would have seen that our goals and lifestyles would become incompatible.

Don’t get swept up in potential

This seems like an obvious one, but so many of us ignore red flags because we love the person. We see their potential and think we can overlook the parts of the person that we don’t like so much. I am here to tell you that if there are red flags in the relationship, if there are things that gets under your skin that that your partner does, (maybe the condescending tone they use when they don’t agree with you. Or their temper when you argue…) TAKE NOTE. You cannot change a persons character to suit your own needs. If there are issues from the beginning, communicate this with them. If the behaviour continues, it will not go anywhere once you are married. Nothing will kill a marriage like realising you actually don’t like the person as much as you once thought. Run!

Compromising leads to resentment

This is a bold statement of course, so hear me out. A relationship is a give and take and there will be things that we have to sacrifice in order to make both parties happy. However, if you are finding that your significant other is constantly pushing your boundaries, asking you to change how you do things, how you dress or how often you phone his mother, this will leave you feeling unworthy. There is nothing worse than being constantly criticised or being told to change. It is a direct attack on our personalities and it causes resentment to build. Ask yourself, why would I want to spend my life with someone who doesn’t love everything about me?

people gathered inside house sitting on sofa
Listen to your nearest and dearest

If your friends and family have doubts, question it

Some people ignore any and all advice from their family and friends when it comes to their significant others. We are blinded by our love for them and don’t want anyone interfering in our relationships. “What do they know? They don’t know him like I do. They just don’t want me to be happy.” But be brutally honest with yourself. If the closest people in your life seem standoffish with your partner, or are raising concerns about them, it probably isn’t to sabotage your relationship, but to save you the inevitable heartbreak down the line. Listen to your loved ones and listen to your gut! Marriage is a big commitment!

Make sure expectations of you are clear

Though less common nowadays, oftentimes men have expectations of what it means to have a wife. Perhaps they grew up with a stay at home mother who picked up their clothes after them, who cooked, cleaned and who bowed to their every need. Perhaps not. Everyone is different but make sure that before you marry someone, they understand the role you are taking on as their significant other. If you are going to be a business focused, career woman who is barely home, make sure he knows that! Some men cannot handle an independent women, for others it is massively attractive. Some men want a wife who spends her time in the kitchen and takes care of his needs before her own. It is 2021 and most of us women will simply not tolerate being treated like servants… If this is not you, make that clear about setting their expectations. This is something I wish I’d known before getting married so young.

happy woman with rolling pin cooking at home
I wish I’d known my partners expectations before getting married.

Create boundaries with your in-laws

For some people this is a non-issue. What do you mean set boundaries with my mother-in-law?! I don’t need to, she’s a sweetheart. Lucky you! For others, we don’t get so lucky. And if you’ve met a mummy’s boy… god speed! The best advice I can give to you is to set boundaries with your significant other and their parents from the beginning. Make yourself clear what you will and will not tolerate, regardless of hurting their feelings. If your mother-in-law shows up at your house unannounced and it bothers you, voice this! If your father-in-law criticises your cooking and the way you dress, SPEAK UP! Or forever hold your peace… Whether you like it or not, they will be a huge part of your life, so it is better to establish a healthy relationship with them before you tie the knot!

These are just what I wish I’d known before getting married in my 20s. Let me know if you share any of these feelings in the comments below!

Written by Jade