My PCOS Journey: Living with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

Living with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, this is my PCOS journey and story. Before I begin, I just want to praise and acknowledge anyone who gets up everyday feeling optimistic and accepting their PCOS journey. Even though you may question why this has happened to you or feel you may not be worthy of being a mother, know that God or whatever you may believe in has a better plan for you.

Below I explain PCOS and some symptoms I face:

What is PCOS?

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is a condition that affects women and how the ovaries function. Nowadays it is thought that about 1 in 10 women in the UK suffer with PCOS. It is a hormonal condition and it is not known what causes this. Living with PCOS can be very difficult.

Common Symptoms or Signs of PCOS?

  • Excessive hair growth (face, chest, back)
  • Irregular periods or no period
  • Weight gain
  • Difficulty getting pregnant
  • Oily skin
  • Acne
  • Hair loss or hair thinning from the head
  • Increased risk of getting type 2 diabetes
  • Depression
  • Sleep Apnoea
  • High Blood Pressure

My PCOS consists of all these common signs and symptoms except type 2 diabetes (all praises to God). However, when I was seen by a gyno 8 months ago, she told me I was borderline type 2 diabetic. I was in the middle of my emotionally abusive marriage which I know was not helping my condition either!

Anyway, I only ever started my period naturally maximum 3 times in my whole life! Once when I was 11 years old and my period lasted 1 day, again at 15 years old and my period lasted 2/3 days and lastly at 27 when my marriage broke down. But my gynocologist mentioned I may have miscarried due to stress during my marriage breakdown. As you can imagine, living with PCOS and in an abusive marriage was extremely taxing on my mental health.

At the age of 21, having no period was obviously very abnormal. PCOS can run in the family and my cousin had been diagnosed with PCOS so I was pretty sure I had the same condition. However, I was neglected by the NHS when being checked by doctors at the age of 16 and was ruled out as having a “hormonal imbalance”. At 21 I had the same scan again and was finally told I had PCOS. I cried my eyes out because the thought of not being able to have children was daunting.

Toxic Relationship and PCOS

For me personally, I now see my PCOS as a gift. Why you may ask? Without a doubt it has saved me from my biggest regret. My marriage. I know if children were involved my life would have been over because he would have used my kids against me. Being in a narcissistic relationship didn’t help me or my health when I was trying to get pregnant. And thanks to my PCOS, I was saved from an abusive relationship longterm.

My ex husband was adamant that we would have children, despite knowing about my PCOS before we married. I stopped taking my contraception pills and began to see a gynocologist to help me conceive naturally. Unfortunately after some scans and blood tests I was told I would need to go through IVF. IVF is a procedure where the sperm and egg are fertilised outside the body by scientists and then inserted back into the female. This comes with some risks and is very expensive, however, many have been successful.

I would have mental breakdowns due to my ex’s comments on my weight as well as me not being able to conceive. He would embarrass me in front of other people. I had never hid my condition from him but he made me feel like less of a woman due to my infertility. Due to this I became suicidal, and had constant panic attacks. Thanks to good friends and supportive family members (who lived in the UK whilst I was in the US) I managed to escape my marriage.

Also, the pressure of his mother always complaining about me not being pregnant was constantly on my mind. She would make remarks about if me and my ex were using protection and would discuss this with her friends in front of me. I would be so embarrassed and my ex was okay with it. He would defend his mother and tell me she can say and do what she wants.

How to Cope with PCOS

So what do I do, while living with PCOS to cope? I remind myself every day that I’m beautiful in any shape or size as PCOS does make losing weight difficult. My weight fluctuates but I don’t let it bring me down. Yes, I do experience bad days but I try to eat healthily but never starve or deprive myself. PCOS is a mental challenge more than anything so it is very important to keep and have an optimistic mindset.

PCOS does not rule out having children for me. It just makes the journey to become a mother more difficult but I know that God has a plan for me. I surround myself with people who will always love and support me.

It really does affect my mental health and I always try my best to support charities who help orphaned children and women struggling with fertility. This gesture gives my mind comfort that I’m helping those less fortunate than me and I begin to show more gratitude.

I have started to try and drink green juices every morning, I avoid dairy products as much as I can as I become bloated! I was also advised to eat gluten and dairy free products to avoid diabetes and increase in weight. So you might want to look more into that!

For excessive hair growth I have had laser treatment done and it has really helped with my confidence and self-esteem. Laser has many benefits as it also clears up your skin and any hyperpigmentation caused by PCOS.

Remember ladies, having a supportive partner is so crucial when facing difficulties in life especially involving fertility. I wasn’t as lucky BUT not being able to have children doesn’t define who I am as a person or a woman. Just remember after hardship comes ease and if we are not blessed to have children, we will be blessed in other ways.

Written by Layla

Subtle Signs Your Partner is Controlling You

What are some of the more subtle signs your partner is controlling you? Most of us like to think we could spot a controlling partner… verbal abuse, controlling where you go, isolating you from family and friends. Obvious, right? However it can actually be extremely difficult to realise you are in a controlling relationship until you are out of it. Or it is spelled out to you by a relative or friend. These types of toxic behaviours are not always so in your face…

Controlling partners are often very manipulative in the way that they behave. Oftentimes we don’t see the signs until we are in the thick of it.

So let’s talk about some subtle signs you may be in a controlling or emotionally abusive relationship.

You Are Confused and Second Guessing Yourself

If you find yourself asking “Should I do this?” “Maybe I should ask him first” or you are confused about decisions that you would have made easily before you met your partner, this can be a signal that you are second guessing yourself because he/she has been undermining your past decisions.

This might sound like “I wish you wouldn’t do that” or “I like it better when you do this” or “I hate that you don’t do what I ask.” These subtle little statements, after a while will have us questioning if we should seek his/her approval first so that we won’t leave them feeling disappointed.

person with difficulty and questions in studies
Photo by Olya Kobruseva on Pexels.com

They Criticise You For Minor Things Constantly

It is not enough for a controlling partner to have you seeking their validation. They also want to mold you into the type of person they want you to be. To do this, they will pick apart and nitpick on the simplest and stupidest of things.

“Do you have to chew so loudly?”

“You shouldn’t cut your hair like that, it makes your face look fatter.”

“Don’t wash the surfaces like this, do it like that. It’s better this way.”

These comments may seem harmless, sometimes you won’t even notice them. But what often happens is they become more and more frequent or disrespectful. And you will begin to pick up on things that they don’t like and doing things their way, hoping for praise (that rarely comes) or at least, less criticism.

You’re Walking On Eggshells

This one is a big red flag.. “I won’t mention it, I don’t want to rock the boat.” “He’s in a good mood, I won’t bother bringing up that comment he made that hurt me.” If you find yourself feeling anxious about mentioning certain things to your partner for fear of their reaction or if you let things slide, that previously you would have brought up without hesitation, this can be a big sign that you have begun to succumb to their way of life, whether it suits you or not.

woman placing her finger between her lips
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

You Avoid Telling Your Family/Friends

This one can be difficult because lots of people prefer that things remain private and “behind closed doors” and that is totally respectful. Not many people like to air their dirty laundry to the world. However, if you find yourself “forgetting” to mention some of the arguments you have had or maybe a hurtful comment was made that you would have previously told your mum or best friend, you could subconsciously be trying to protect their image of the “perfect partner.” especially if they are well liked amongst your loved ones.

My ex would actually make a point of saying “I hate people who talk about their drama to other people, it’s so disrespectful to involve other people.” I went along with this sentiment for years, until I realised that all I was doing was hiding his true character from everyone around me and suffering in silence.

Your Confidence Is In The Gutter

When you first met, I bet you felt on top of the world. He/she made you feel special and beautiful but now you just don’t feel like yourself. You are having a hard time making decisions and you don’t like how your body looks. You might even stop socialising with other people because you just feel off. This might be because of the constant criticisms and undermining the way you do things. It could also be due to a lack of affection. Controlling partners will rarely, if ever compliment you or boost your self-esteem, even though it is the thing you crave most in the world.

woman holding mirror against her head in the middle of forest
Photo by Tasha Kamrowski on Pexels.com

These are just SOME of the subtle signs that you may be in a controlling and abusive relationship. There are plenty more that you can search for online if you suspect you are the victim of an abuser. However, if you do I would highly recommend ending the relationship if it is not dangerous to do so. I would also encourage you to speak to a loved one or even a professional for further advice.

Written by Jade